Live from New York…it’s a Friday Fiasco!

Prologue and disclaimer (names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Thursday night, May 22^nd. I went to the China Club with a girlfriend “Emily”. Let’s just say I had a fabulous time and stayed out WAY too late. Maybe I corrupted some poor souls, we’ll never know for sure. But I think they had a great time too. Video and pictures have been destroyed and will not be appearing on Inside Edition anytime soon.

Friday, May 23^rd.

Wha?

7:30 am – wake up with a start and realize the &*#7$(*#% alarm clock was set for 6:30 PM! I have 15 minutes to get ready to get down to CBS studios. My usual 1hour routine is reduced to nothingness. (this should have been a sign)

7:45 am – thank God for one-step makeup

7:50 am – the Hotel dude hails me a cab. I’m at 48^th and Lex, I need to get to 524 57^th street in 10 minutes. I check my watch and hope that Apolo actually goes on later than 8:00. At this point, this early, I’m wondering if he will be on the show at all. I tell the cabbie, “524 57^th Street, the GE building”

He goes, “what? The GE building is on Madison and 59^th!”

I say, “I don’t really care where it is, I need to get to CBS studios”. Flashing a $20 helps him understand. “Right”, he says, “CBS studios”, and floors it.

8:00 am – stuck in traffic

8:05 am – starting to tap my foot

8:07 am – Cabbie tries to make small talk, I oblige, but still count off the streets…52^nd, 53^rd, good Lord how long does this take? Foot tapping continues.

8:10 am – I spy the CBS building. I cross traffic, get beeped at, and run in. Reception eyes me suspiciously.

“Can I help you?” he says in his thickest Bronx accent. “Yes…I’m wondering if Apolo Ohno is on the air right now, or if he is gone already?” I get a “WTF are you talking about” look, and then he says “OH – you want the EARLY SHOW… that’s on 59^th and 5^th”. I swear I see a gleam in his eye.

Shock and Awe. “Can I walk that?” I murmur. Mr. Smug-behind-the-desk in his outdated sportcoat says “well, if you wanna get there in a hurry, dear, you better take a cab.”

8:15 am - Dive out the door. Get a cab. “59^th and 5^th, the Early Show!” I say with enthusiasm. I will make it. I’m convinced. Little did I know I had found the one cabbie in NYC who does NOT DRIVE FAST. He also likes to take side streets and play Kenny G.

8:20 am – stuck on 58^th in construction.

8:21 am – still stuck on 58^th because a garbage truck has to back up. I start muttering expletives. “What the hell is going on” I yell at the cabbie. Sharp as a tack, this guy is. He says “truck’s backing up”. I’m wondering why he didn’t take a route without construction and garbage trucks, but that’s another story. Tip is becoming nonexistent, buddy, you bet.

8:30 am – feeling despondent. This is looking bad.

8:35 am – I spy the Early Show. Throw money at the cabbie, forgo the receipt and once again run across 4 lanes of traffic.

OK, at this point, I’m like, it’s raining, and they are doing barbeque on the Trump Plaza. Damn. The Early show is having a cooking segment…thoughts of Apolo start to fade away.. OK, wait a minute, back to the matter at hand…I must deliver this birthday card.

8:37 am – go to the door outside where the celebrities come out. Dude in the maroon jacket with “CBS” on it eyes me suspiciously. The guy at 524 57^th must have phoned ahead and warned him about me.

“Can you tell me if Apolo Ohno is on the air or has left yet?” I say sweetly.

This is when it gets funny.

“Who?” he says “Apolo Ohno” I say again.

“Who?” “What?”

“OK – who can tell me?” He says “ Who?” (this is getting to be a little like Laurel and Hardy now). “Who can tell me who is on the show?” I say yet again.

He says “see the man in the black jacket?” as he motioned toward an older man with a headset. “Yeah”. “Ask Him, he’ll help ya”

Right. Here I go.

I go up to the nice man in the black jacket with a clipboard, headset and a serious look in his eye. “HI!” I say, “can you tell me if Apolo Ohno has been on the show or if he has left yet?”

He nice man says…”WHO?” I laugh and say “Apolo Ohno..the Olympic speedskater? He’s supposed to be on the show today.”

“As a guest?”. He gives me the eyebrow.

“Yes!, as a guest”.

By now, a nice Kate Moss style waif girl comes running over with walkie-talkie, clipboard, and headset. DAMN, I think, they are on to me now. Must have been at the China Club. Should I run? Stay?

Just then, the nice man in charge says to the thin girl “She’s wondering if Apolo Ohno is going to be on the show today?”

“WHO?”

Sweet Mary Mother of God, doesn’t anybody know who Apolo is?

The girl flips through the list and says “nope, no, no Apolo. Is he a guest?” “Yes, I say” he’s a guest. “Nope, he’s not on the list”. “Maybe the Today Show? Maybe Good Morning America”? “No, I say, it was definitely the Early Show.” Sigh. She eyes me suspiciously like I have a car bomb under my coat.

Mr. InCharge looks at me in my sunglasses in the rain, long black leather coat, black pants and dark hair pulled back and says “Who are you?” as he starts thumbing through the guest list. “Um” I say, debating on a thousand possible answers that I COULD say. What ends up coming out of my mouth is “nobody…just an acquaintance of Apolo’s… I wanted to say hi and drop off this birthday card”.

“Aww” says the impossibly thin assistant. “Well, if he is going to be on the show sometime soon, maybe tomorrow, I can give it to him”. I hesitate (the inner New Yorker in me is totally not buying this). But I end up forking over the bday card to the girl, who says “don’t worry, if he’s here sometime, I’ll give him the card”.

I stay and laugh and talk with the holdersoftheguestlist, get some tofu barbeque (what luck!) and hang out. Clay Aiken comes out… I give him a high 5 and say “good job, dawg, you really made it your own”. He laughs and says “thanks”. Well, at least the whole morning wasn’t wasted. And I called Judie at work to rant and rave, which she LOVED. J

9:00 – back in the cab, back to hotel room. Open up OZ…discover that the CBS people were right…Saturday. Damn. My flight is Friday night. Double damn.

Epilogue:

By the way, the card was really simple, and was signed “Love, Anita, and the rest of the OZ family that wishes they could be here with you”. Whether my new friends at CBS gave him the card on Saturday, we may never know. But Clay Aiken may be scarred for life.